even though today is wet and rainy outside, and my house’s power is turning off and on again, i feel surprisingly content within the confines of my bedroom. i met my second weight goal today, i feel on top of the world for that. spending some time alone today has really helped me reflect on some things i needed to figure out in my life. lately i have been so happy being around my friends. we’ve sort of formed this tight knit little group, and i love it. its nice to have people that i can do nothing with but still have the best times. its so nice to have a group of people i can trust, people i love and people that are all moving forward in our personal lives while also all moving forward together as a group. i feel like in high school i was so unsure of who i was that i would draw in friends that were also so insecure and confused about themselves that it justified me being that way. lately i have really let go off all my past regrets and have began focusing on the things i can change for the better instead of wallowing in the past. the wrongs i have made, the people i have hurt, the people that have hurt me, it doesn’t matter anymore. it all comes down to the the people i care enough about to try and fix things with. they can let me in or they can not, all i can do it open the door. for some time the shitty reputation i made for myself would really effect me. i would let it get under my skin and make me feel terrible and shitty about myself when people would reference the errors in judgement i have previously made. ive come to the conclusion that that reputation is irrelevant. i was who i was some time ago and i made mistakes and choices that earned me that reputation. the stories drama seeking people tell are stories of a young girl i used to be, not who i am today. i can choose to let it effect me and hurt me, or i could rise above it and be the opposite of that shallow heartless person I have been. when it comes down to it, there is only a handful of people that when i go to my grave i will care what they thought of me. those are the people i am trying to rekindle broken relationships with. i lay in the bed other night thinking that if i died right now, would i be content with the memories i would leave behind? would i be satisfied with the things i had experienced? thinking about that brought everything that is truly important into perspective to me. where i want to go in life, what i want to do, the impact i want to leave, and the people that i want to make sure they know i loved them. nothing else matters. i feel like i have been given a new pair of eyes. my senses have been refreshed and my mind has been reborn. i am seeing and realising all of these things i should have long ago. even within past relationships, i was always attracting broken people. granted, everyone has their issues and god knows i have my own, but i’m just realising now the patterns in my past. in the past four or five years it seems as though i was always seeking out people who i really shouldn’t have. people i thought i could fix, often so that i wouldn’t have to look inside myself and see the things i needed to fix in me. people that loved to control me to regain some lost sense of control in their own lives. people who lacked all motivation and in my attempts to motivate us both i would just burn out. i think at times i often would try and get into anything that seemed self destructive so that i could have something to be sad about in some attention seeking way. looking back on it now, it was all so dramatic and unnecessary. but then again, maybe it was necessary. maybe i had to go through those things and make those ridiculous choices to learn what i have learned and become who I am now. i would never in a million years get myself into one of those situations now. i’ve had these thoughts floating around inside of me for some time now, but writing them out and reading them makes me truly see how much i’ve grown. not to toot my own horn or anything, i am genuinely proud of myself, and happy to be where i am in my life. im starting the next chapter, and i couldn’t be happier.
Tags: personal, relationships, friendship, happiness, regret, sorrow, growth, autonomy, strength, hope, light, realization, reflection, self respect, respect,