As of right now, I feel very content. I really needed today, a carefree day of laughing and being immature without a care. Matt has been so good to me these past few days, letting me drag him out of his hermit ways to keep me company and keep me entertained. I’ve missed being so close with him, he’s really the best friend I’ve ever had.
Today I spent the day downtown going on pointless adventures, I did end up scoring a new Ouija board from the early 70’s at Heroes for 10$! Amazing, I’m very excited about it. My old one (by use, not by actually how old it is) is collecting dust at the top of my closet. I showed my mom and she got oh so excited as well. I remember being five years old conducting Ouija boards with my mother, feeling safe though because my back was covered by the edge of the couch. Its funny now though, how comfortable I feel doing so even alone. Anyway, I had an excellent night tonight. With the exception of me sort of snapping on my boyfriend for no real reason, I feel pretty bad. He is always so exceptionally good to me and I feel as though I don’t appreciate it or even realize it as much as I should. He loves me more than I ever thought anybody could love another person. In all seriousness, any girl in their right mind would sell their soul for a boyfriend who treated them like such gold, I don’t understand why I’ve become so accustomed to it. I’m not going to be attention seeking and claim that its because i’m so used to being treated badly or something that I don’t enjoy his kindness, cause thats not the truth. I think sometimes I just get into these moods where I like to be disconnected from the world and reflect on my life alone, without the pressure of needing anybodies approval or recognition. I realize how sweet he is when instead of neglecting me or resenting me for being distant, he is the angel he always is and is so genuinely worried that I don’t love him anymore instead. I love him ridiculously, and my mood swings and need for personal space is not his fault. Its just that, I’m so infatuated with having ample personal space. As much as I love his company I feel as though we are so established in our relationship together that we are settled into each others lives, and we can tighten our grip a bit on each other and live our separate lives as well as our life together. I’m sure he see’s it as our spark being gone, but its really not that at all. Its the simple fact that we’re both comfortable which is actually a very good thing and not a sign of something being wrong. I’d rather be comfortable in a relationship with somebody than be stuck inside the first five months of a relationship forever in which its more necessary for each person to constantly be flattering each others egos and making it known to everybody that their love is strong. I feel as though at this point in a relationship if two people need to constantly be telling each other they love each other and such it just means that they are trying to prove something, or that they are trying to be at a point in their relationship that they really are not at. I guess lately in all aspects of my life I’ve been craving the sweet relief of simplicity. It feels nice to find happiness effortlessly or better yet, see its existence within situations without needing to highlight it to feel content.
I’ve been craving simplicity in more aspects of my life than just my relationship with my boyfriend. With my friends, and my family. For so long know I’ve been running on pride and looking back now I realize that all of the little things I couldn’t let go of or the people I just couldn’t let it just weren’t worth the fight. I don’t mean to say that the people themselves weren’t worth it, I mean more so that the little things I fought to the death about for “principals sake” were not worth the losses. I’ve been spending no time caring about the past things I cannot change, but focusing on the things in my life I can change for the better instead of blaming every person around me and constantly playing the victim. As much as some people have mistreated me, clearly me handling the situation with the approach i have thus far has not benefited me. I’m starting over and It feels wonderful.
Tags: happiness, fresh start, ouija, relationships, boyfriend, rant, personal, writing,