even though today is wet and rainy outside, and my house’s power is turning off and on again, i feel surprisingly content within the confines of my bedroom. i met my second weight goal today, i feel on top of the world for that. spending some time alone today has really helped me reflect on some things i needed to figure out in my life. lately i have been so happy being around my friends. we’ve sort of formed this tight knit little group, and i love it. its nice to have people that i can do nothing with but still have the best times. its so nice to have a group of people i can trust, people i love and people that are all moving forward in our personal lives while also all moving forward together as a group.  i feel like in high school i was so unsure of who i was that i would draw in friends that were also so insecure and confused about themselves that it justified me being that way. lately i have really let go off all my past regrets and have began focusing on the things i can change for the better instead of wallowing in the past. the wrongs i have made, the people i have hurt, the people that have hurt me, it doesn’t matter anymore. it all comes down to the the people i care enough about to try and fix things with. they can let me in or they can not, all i can do it open the door. for some time the shitty reputation i made for myself would really effect me. i would let it get under my skin and make me feel terrible and shitty about myself when people would reference the errors in judgement i have previously made. ive come to the conclusion that that reputation is irrelevant. i was who i was some time ago and i made mistakes and choices that earned me that reputation. the stories drama seeking people tell are stories of a young girl i used to be, not who i am today. i can choose to let it effect me and hurt me, or i could rise above it and be the opposite of that shallow heartless person I have been. when it comes down to it, there is only a handful of people that when i go to my grave i will care what they thought of me. those are the people i am trying to rekindle broken relationships with. i lay in the bed other night thinking that if i died right now, would i be content with the memories i would leave behind? would i be satisfied with the things i had experienced? thinking about that brought everything that is truly important into perspective to me. where i want to go in life, what i want to do, the impact i want to leave, and the people that i want to make sure they know i loved them. nothing else matters. i feel like i have been given a new pair of eyes. my senses have been refreshed and my mind has been reborn. i am seeing and realising all of these things i should have long ago. even within past relationships, i was always attracting broken people. granted, everyone has their issues and god knows i have my own, but i’m just realising now the patterns in my past. in the past four or five years it seems as though i was always seeking out people who i really shouldn’t have. people i thought i could fix, often so that i wouldn’t have to look inside myself and see the things i needed to fix in me. people that loved to control me to regain some lost sense of control in their own lives. people who lacked all motivation and in my attempts to motivate us both i would just burn out. i think at times i often would try and get into anything that seemed self destructive so that i could have something to be sad about in some attention seeking way. looking back on it now, it was all so dramatic and unnecessary. but then again, maybe it was necessary. maybe i had to go through those things and make those ridiculous choices to learn what i have learned and become who I am now. i would never in a million years get myself into one of those situations now. i’ve had these thoughts floating around inside of me for some time now, but writing them out and reading them makes me truly see how much i’ve grown. not to toot my own horn or anything, i am genuinely proud of myself, and happy to be where i am in my life. im starting the next chapter, and i couldn’t be happier.

The immense amount of drama that arose last night is so completely mind boggling. On one hand I am deeply upset that the situation needed to escalate to the extent that it did. On the other hand, my mind is at peace knowing that my opinions and thoughts that myself, and a few others have been violently biting our tongues about for some time have been released out into the air to be taken in, or disregarded. Either way, I do not regret anything I said or a single action I made. Though the entire blur of yelling and purposefully undermining seems all a little too immature for people my age to be taking part in, it was all necessary considering the person who we all needed to reach with these approaches was handling themselves just as that. Immature, and because that person was completely delusional and held no regard for anybody but herself, we were forced to push our points as pawns in a game abiding by her twisted rules, not that it really got any of us anywhere.
Seeing a person in that state honestly really scared me. I’m not referring to the mindless, drunken rage babble that was meant to be intimidating, I’m more so talking about the fact somebody could get that way. The fact that somebody has the capacity to handle themselves in such a illogical manner. More so, that a person could encourage themselves to take the steps involved to getting there, knowing that is where they would end up. Crying, screaming, and attempting to fight anybody who opened their mouths to offer a helping hand, or anybody who simply dared to defend themselves against such delusional accusations.
After seeing that monster living inside of someone be drawn out by liquor, it really makes me never want to taste a sip of it ever again. Although I could never be capable of such behavior, seeing last night what the substance could do to someone it makes it all seem so unnecessary and ridiculous. Saying that, Its one thing to have a drink or two, or three, with a friend and have a good night basing around innocent fun. Its another to continuously binge drink until you are completely incoherent and obnoxiously enraged at every person around you. Its one thing to have a glass of wine at your families Thanksgiving, It is another to continuously put yourself in situations that make people want nothing to do with you because of your embarrassing behavior when drinking when you claim to regret your actions each and every time. Its one thing to go through a bad break up and to keep your mind off things hop into a beautiful dress and enjoy a drink at dinner with your girlfriends. It is another to go out to dinner with your boyfriends band mate and girlfriend and attempt to order a team pitcher for yourself and when denied, get obliterated.Then buy shots for everyone at the table when they clearly stated they had no interest in drinking and guilt trip them with the fact that you spent money on the alcohol to persuade them into drinking as a sad, sorry attempt to justify your incapability to not drink excessively.
I wonder today how that person must feel. Waking up alone and sick, with the blur of memories from the night before. I wonder now why more than ever, people in these positions in life tend to wallow in their own sorrow and grief rather than pull themselves out of it. Instead of picking themselves up and building a better life for themselves, why must they put that energy into building a charade of strength, of self respect, of dignity. All so transparent to any real eyes.
I constantly walk back and forth from feeling sorry for this person, to tapping back into the realistic mind set that if this person wanted to change and truly regretted her actions, she would. I do realize that fighting addictions are terribly hard, but if somebody wants something bad enough they will reach out for help, not out for another beer. Its really hard to help someone, want to help someone, or care for someone who doesn’t help themselves. Doesn’t respect themselves, and clearly doesn’t respect you.
I am not taking back anything I said before, I truly do not regret any of my actions. I feel as though everything I said and did was extremely justified and considering I was being attacked and screamed at, and my boyfriend was being pushed around by someone we had been chasing around all night as the two only sober people, I handled myself quite well. Considering this persons own boyfriend was getting high and drunk in a van and claiming that we should just leave this person drunk, crazy, and alone at at venue downtown and leave town while my boyfriend and I had been trying to keep her safe all night and give her a ride home with her friend and as a result that person physically came at me, I think I handled myself accordingly. The only thing that I am disappointed in myself for is the simple fact that I let someone so insignificant, someone with such a sad story, effect me in anyway. That is what I did wrong, I let this person effect me when they are not worth the thought, the effort, or the worry.
I would never wish bad things upon this person, because thats not who I am. Also because I know somebody who cares deeply for her. Saying that, that person would be making a hysterical joke if they were under the impression that I would ever forgive them for their actions not only last night, but over the past three months.
Anyway, now that I have all of this officially off of my chest, out of my mind, and out of my life I intend to get into my comfiest of clothing and hop onto my comfy gaming chair. I told myself I’d play some Banjo Kazooie, but who are we kidding? I’ll be singing Mumford and pinning head shots in swat for the next three or four hours. I really wish I could play with a certain person, because that was when gaming was the most fulfilling. That won’t happen though, so I’ll just focus on my daily challenges and not give a care in the world. I’m moving forward, without you.
I’m turning this around, today.
I know I have made many mistakes in my life. I have broken hearts, I have caused a scene. I have lied, and I have loved the wrong people. I have betrayed good people, as well as been too harsh on people didn’t deserve my hatred to the extent it was given.  I have wasted my heart on being bitter and left no room for people who just wanted to love me. I have lead people on, I have left peoples sides when they needed me, I have hurt my family and friends, I have punished people in my life for my own mistakes. I have expected forgiveness when I did not deserve it, and I have focused on only the negative aspects of my life when I had so many great people in it, I have neglected the things I love and become someone who I am not as a result of it.
These past few months I have been reflecting so solidly on these times. I am truly sorry to everybody I have hurt, and I do not expect to be graced with forgiveness. Instead, I’ve been building myself up again. I’ve been singing, I’ve been painting. I’ve been making myself happy again so I do not feel the need to make others unhappy.  We all make mistakes, I am not perfect. Nor am I some demon spawn sent to this earth to ruin peoples lives. I have done good, I have also done bad. Today I am moving forward from it all, and it feels euphoric.

All my love <3